The internal experience I have is what more spiritual people would call beint "otherkin." I am not spiritual myself. But I have not found any other descriptions which adequitely describe this. I feel deep and profound dysphoria for a shape that I know does not exist. Consider when you wake up in the middle of the night. That moment when you are becoming conscious, but your senses haven't yet come to you. It is in that moment that you know what you should be feeling, even though you aren't yet feeling it. You know the shape of the hole that your body should fit and fill. The shape of that hole does not match the body I am in. Waking up and experiencing that feels terrible every single time.

I am able to simply shut this out most of the time. I just imagine myself as a kind of pilot of my own body. It helps me to think of it that way when it comes time to take care of it. It helps me to value exercise (incidentally, exercise is the only thing that has helped me find any kind of chemical/physical relief from symptoms of depression). It also makes it hard to think of myself as an individual, or really as an extant person at all. I don't feel present as I have come to realize other people do.

Dealing with this is incredibly difficult, as doing so forces me to look at it head on. I can't just ignore it when I am trying to deal with it. I'm assaulted by the fact that this is the only body I will ever inhabit. There's no "waiting it out" or something. For the entirety of the time that I exist, it will be from this physical perspective. Confronting that gives me the kind of animal panic that demands escape. And the only escape from this is something which I have perpetually sought alternatives from.

I don't want to kill myself, I just want to escape this experience. I have been trying to find solutions my entire life, I very often feel this sense of absolute hopelessness. I am exhausted by the effort more and more frequently as time passes. I know that other people have problems with their bodies as well, and I in no way am trying to denigrate or lessen their experiences. But this is mine, and it is very difficult for me.